As I think about the last 10 years I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with emotion. This has been a hard week for me to handle. I didn’t think your 10 year anniversary of when you left us would be so hard. The past few years have been “easy” and I use that very lightly, they just have not been as emotional. I think because time truly heals everything. I have broken down countless of times this week because I can not believe that it has been 10 years since I last saw you. The only time I get to see you or get close to you is in my dreams or my hypnotherapy appointments. But I truly feel you around all the time. I can sense it and feel it to my core because even though you are not here in the flesh you are here in spirit. And as a strong spirit.
I wanted you here for so many things that I have been through. I lost myself after you left. You were my rock, my hero, my best friend and the person I considered a father figure. I miss the days when we used to joke around. I miss wanting to walk down to your house from mine to see you every day. I just really miss you. It took about 3 years for me to feel like myself again and to not let the grief of you being gone hinder my life. That’s when things became “easy.” You were gone and I had to learn that and stop dwelling on the past. But then I met Kurt. My husband. The man that I married. I used to feel guilty for anyone I dated after you passed away because the person I was with or you thought I was with, we were actually broke up but I didn’t tell you because everything was so stressful at the time that I didn’t want to worry you. You loved the person I was with and accepted him and felt comfort in knowing I was with him but such as life, things don’t always work out. But I felt guilty for the other people I dated after you were gone. I wanted your acceptance and your approval of the person I was with. Thankfully your son, my Dad came to the rescue and actually helped Kurt and I get together. I sometimes wonder if you were working through my Dad to bring me a man that would sweep me off my feet and become my husband. Do you know he takes me to visit you? No questions asked, I say “hey can you take me to my grandpa?” I have visited you a lot. It took a long time for me to come to your grave site. But I actually like going now because I know you are there.
I think about the last few weeks we had with you. How we were able to celebrate your birthday and just be around you as much as we could. I have never forgiven myself because when it was the end I saw you every day up until about 3 days before you passed. I couldn’t come see you because I had a cold. I will never forget the gut wrenching feeling I had when my Mom told me you past away. I fell to my knees and I didn’t even know what to do. My Mom thought I was crazy because I wanted to go down and see you one last time. As scary as it was to see you after you had passed I just had to see you, and tell you how much I loved you. 10 years later and I feel like I am going through that day all over again. You were such a huge part of my life that is why this is so hard.
I had pictured for the longest time that you would actually have been the one to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. You were there, I felt your presence and you were pinned to my bouquet of flowers. And now you hang from my rear view mirror in my car. I wonder how you and Kurt would have interacted. I wonder how you would have liked our dog Brooke. I wonder how you would have been when I went to prom. I wonder how you would have been when I graduated High School. I wonder how you would have been like when I graduated College and went to Italy for the first time. I wonder how you would have been on my wedding day. I wonder how you would have been when I moved to Upstate NY for my husband and then Texas and now Washington. I feel like you would have visited me while I was in Texas and now Washington. You were my supporter and someone who believed in me. Your little girl. I so badly wish I could hear that one more time and hug you. I remember surprising you and visiting you at Cleveland Clinic after you had your Liver transplant and how happy you were to see me. I was with you through thick and thin with your sickness.
Things have not been easy since you have been gone for us as a family. I think if you are watching over us you see it all. It feels very divided and I am actually disappointed to see where we are with out you 10 years later. I wish we felt more together since you have been gone. I didn’t realize how much of a glue you were for us. It didn’t seem like it because you pissed off a lot of people. But I saw a bigger and better side of you. So I understand how you were the glue for our family.
I can’t wait to see you again one day. But I can wait. I still have a long life to live and live with you still by my side. I found comfort in a medium who connected me with you as well as a hypnotherapist. I could feel the hug and you that I experienced in the hypnotherapy appointment and I could feel your presence and support when I went and saw a medium because I needed to connect with you some how. Things have changed Grandpa. I just wish you could have been here to see it all. Keep watching over all of us. Tucker, Lauren, Ryan and myself. As well as your own kids. You also have some grandkids too now from my sister and Ryan that you need to watch over. You would love them all so much.
I hope and pray I have done right by you. I hope you are proud of me even with my mess ups in life. I wish I could have the confirmation but I just need to pray for the signs from you to show me that. I miss you and I love you. XOXO Love your little girl. ❤
RIP Grandpa 9.28.1936 – 11.7.09
Thank you to anyone that read this. Grief comes in waves. It can be gone for a few years and then it can come right back. Dealing with the death of my Grandpa at 17 was very hard for me and confusing. It was probably one of the hardest things I have dealt with. I am so thankful I was able to know this man and that he made the impact he did on my life. A very positive one.