I know this is supposed to be a lifestyle blog and my main focus is actually wine related but I wrote this, this past fall and I re-read it a lot because I was torn with positing it. I have family members who have access to this blog and could easily see this poem I wrote and its a little scary because I am airing my dirty laundry for the world to see. My family is big on hush hush, everything is fine and nothing is wrong with you. When I asked myself if I want friends and strangers to read this? And I said Yes. I have made peace with my past and with my father recently through a lot of work on myself and it took many years to get to where I am now. Writing was one of the things I did as a kid to cope. My dad and I have a decent relationship now and I am grateful for it because I can stop reliving my depressing childhood. I mostly wanted to share this because I am not the only person out there that was raised by an alcoholic. I wanted to bring awareness to this and I think it needs to be talked about. I want to open the discussion around it. I know this is a strange post to be making since I am so wine driven with this blog but its a passion not a problem for me. This is just me being honest and real. No one’s life is perfect and everyone has had some sort of struggle. I felt the need to share this. It’s almost as a final way to heal and so people may be able to relate to me on a personal level besides the things I like and do. And to prove that alcoholism doesn’t have to run or ruin your life. That anyone can come out on top and have a healthy relationship with alcohol like me.
So here goes nothing….
I am not a daddy’s girl. I was not raised by a man who made me feel like I could be. I was never daddy’s little girl. For all of my life I have felt guilty because I am not the son he wanted. And the constant complaints and reminders that I never will be. To hear the comments of “man you’re lucky” when he finds out if someone is having a boy really cuts you deep. Did I do something wrong? Am I really not good enough because I am a woman? No one should ever feel that way.
I am not a daddy’s girl because I was raised by a man that chose beer or liquor over me because life was so horrible it was a good way to cope. Never came to sports events because work got in the way and then the boozed just followed right after. He thought it was ok to verbally and physically abuse me and my sister. Did I do something wrong? Am I really not good enough because I am a woman? No one should ever feel that way.
I am not a daddy’s girl because I was never taught to love or how a man should love me. I never saw my parents in a healthy relationship. Just arguments and anger. I had no one to defend my sister and I. Why did we deserve this? Because of this I ended up with “daddy issues.” I had no respect for myself or a man, I put myself into horrible situations and relationships. Did I do something wrong? Am I really not good enough because I am a woman? No one should ever feel this way.
But one day that all changed. I finally realized how I should be treated and how I can love someone else. I met someone who changed everything I ever believed in, in a man and alcoholism. Someone who could show me what a man should be and how a man should treat a woman. My husband changed that for me.
There is way more to the story. I am proud for over coming this obstacle and believing I am good enough. And anyone else who has dealt with an alcoholic you are not alone and it gets better. I understand what you’re going through and I hope it’s not any worse than my situation because I know it can be 10 times worse. Feel free to start a discussion below or message me on instagram. I would love to hear your story and or meet more people that can relate. Stay strong.